Depression, bullying, and heartbreak...

[Lurky]

I think I'm sensitive, almost way too sensitive at times, like... a word can cut like a sharp knife at my heart. And then I feel like the entire world is over. And then I'm down in a slump for a good, little while. And I just am moody/sad/depressed the entire day. Sometimes it can last for several days and it just seems like no matter how much I try to think in a positive light I just fall downwards even further? Yeah, that's what I'm kind of thinking about right now.

Like why I'm so sensitive and how can I not let it destroy me or have it wreck things between me and people. Or them seeing my sad, depressive state and using that as a way to attack me. I don't want to make enemies but it seems like people have no reason to show any form of remorse or feelings. Even though it's just text but there is someone behind this text that does have feelings and can feel emotions. And it's pretty heartbreaking that what one of my dearest friends says tends to be the truth.

Internet allows for anonymity(or whatever) so people don't have to show they care. It just kind of crushes me that people like to treat the internet like it's their playground. And they can act *without* a care in the world about other people. It's all about them and they only care for themselves.

Me, on the other hand, I feel different and I want friends. I know it's different to have 'net friends' than having friends in real life. Because a 'net friend' can break another's heart in an instant and go on their merry way. But I'm so not like that. I just believe friendship is mutual whether it is on the internet and also in reality. And friendship is a powerful word to be using right now. But it's the truth.

I just kind of wish I had more friends... even if it's just on the internet. I know we may not see each other IRL. But I do believe sometimes if there is trust and a sense of compassion. Then it can be just as a real life friendship. Besides... why would anyone like to surf the web as being the 'most hated' individual around? That is so not cool.

I know I sound all sappy. I just felt like getting it off my chest because it's just something I ponder each waking hour of my life. And I'm on my computer. Because I have no actual friend I can just call up by phone and say "Hey, want to hang out?" and it's even harder because I'm abit of a closet case. I'm gay, 100% in fact, male, and a 'tomgirl' if such a word exists. I do like dolls and stuff. I even collect plushies and stuffed animals. I am also stuck, at 29 years old, living with my mom. I never graduated with my diploma and I'm too old to get it now. And I have no job and I can't drive a car(too scared to die in a car wreck if it were to ever occur!).

I possess a fear towards insects like bees, wasps, and even cockroaches. I just have alot of phobias which just kills me. And it's almost comically laughable to some. But it's just stuff that get in my way. And it just makes things even worse for me.

I am also a 'sufferer' of depression and been living with it since grade school. The reason for my depression is because I was bullied all throughout my younger kid days. I knew I was different than most regular boys. In fact I was a complete outcast. There was never a time when someone would attempt to pick a fight with me.

I never really had any true friends except for a few people and that was it. And it was hard for me to fit into a large mold of people. Because I didn't know how to act in front of them. And I clearly didn't have the best social skills. And I still don't know how to be socially assertive in front of people... in reality and also on the internet.

I apologize for this being so long and drawn out. But I just felt like opening up... as I felt like I could reach out to someone with a sense of compassion. Who could see me as a 'human being' and not just turn their back on me and say "Go away." is all.

There are some good things in my childhood I do remember... but most of the things that ever happened to me has always been completely negative. I think my biggest regret is not opening up about it and keeping it hidden for so long. That it's been the burden of my entire life.

[Chibi Rachy]

First off, you're never too old to get your diploma. You can always go back and get the GED. If we were ever too old for education, you wouldn't find such a wide range of adults going to college. I had classmates in their 50's trying to get an education degree so they could become a teacher and fulfill that passion. Learning never stops just because we feel we are older. There's always something new that can be learned, whether it's academic or not.

As for internet friends, in high school, I considered them some of my closest friends. We grew apart as time passed, but I still talk with a few of them every now and again. I've done a good bit of internet dating, and that's how I ended up meeting the people I loved in the past. I did meet up with one a few times before things were broken off. Currently, I've a friend in the UK (she was in Canada when I met her) and we're pretty close. I feel as though I can tell her anything. There's another friend I met on here. When there was a weekend I was struggling to piece myself together, she invited me to come visit her the next weekend and go to an anime con with her. I accepted; I'd known her online since January and I've always prided myself on having a gut instinct to tell me when things were okay online and when they weren't. Today, she's the closest physical friend I have, 4 hours away. We get together every few months now, whether to just visit or to go to an anime con. Internet friends can provide that sense of comfort when none is to be found physically.

I too really don't have any friends where I live, unless I count my co-workers at the elementary school where I work. But they aren't the sort I could hang out with and share my interests with. In fact, I'm rather sure that it wouldn't happen. I collect things considered childish as well, mostly anime figures and things from Fate/stay night, Rainbow Brite, and random Power Ranger pieces. Then there's also the fact that I cannot share my sexuality as a lesbian with them, as I don't want that to be a reason to get me fired. Some days it bothers me, others not. I know I'm not the only one in the same position, which makes it a lighter burden.

There were times I thought my differences would be a bad thing, but then I started to realize that if I wasn't liked for who I was, then it wasn't worth it. That really takes a lot of stress off things when it comes to dealing with others. Why waste energy on something that just isn't worth it?

It takes time to find your stride and place. I struggled with that in high school and worked on overcoming it in college. The final piece came when I was finally able to move out from my parents because my family was tolerating of my interests, but they weren't always thrilled. It took me awhile to get mom on my side with my collections, but now if she sees something, she'll pick it up for me because she knows I'd love to have it. If you can free yourself in any sense of the word and simply let yourself shine through, it opens up a bit of light that makes the day just a little brighter.

[TheWendybird]

Hi there Lurky...first of all...i feel for you ...i really REALLY do...I've been the victim of people online before who could have cared less but yet pretended they did. As has my now fiancee Starvoyager (he's on these forums too). We've both met people online we thought were genuine and in the end they were just people who didn't care enough or didn't care at all...selfish etc Unfortunately you are right...people online do treat it like their playground....too bad it's not always in the good way huh?

Like Chibi I met a lot of people online...and most of my friends are online friends. I was always pretty lonely...well....up till the age of 8 or 9 I had a lot of friends in school and on my street but it quickly changed as everyone around me grew up and I stayed where I was. My graduation from elementary school to junior high always stands out in my head. All the other girls were dressing so adult and I turned to one girl who was sitting next to me during the graduation (age 12 mind you...very young) and I said to her "we're not as old as you think we are you know" LOL...I was right of course but she just said "yeah we are". I was always terrified of growing up...since I was a toddler...and me and Starvoyager still love toys and silly child like stuff...so you are definately not alone on these boards.

But on the flip side of all the bad people you can meet online sometimes there are people who are just pure gold and some of the best friends you would ever meet. We met online (not on this board....actually through my peter pan videos on youtube) and now we're engaged. A lot of net friends can become real life friends. I've met....aside from my fiancee....I would say at least 10 people from the internet...some locally some from further away. When I went to visit Starvoyager during Christmas 2007 we took a bus into manhattan to see Phantom of the Opera (a musical I loved since I was 12) and I met two of my phantom phriends from an old forum I use to go on. One of them couldn't stick around long but it was amazing to meet them in person...I had known them for about a decade online at that point. Simply amazing. Don't give up hope. I really do feel you are in a good place for making friends on this forum. Since I came to the forum I met quite a few people who seem to share how you feel about childhood and child-like things. That being said there are also some bad seeds that we know of among the bunch who will remain nameless...who as you would say...treat it as their playground and use and discard people. But this is about judgement calls I guess.

All I can tell you is be true to who you are....or as Peter Pan would say to Tink...don't let your light go out! You sound like someone who is very special...that's not one of those bull crap lies....And I've come from a place of depression as well..I also have generalized anxiety disorder. I actually found theatre and singing is a great therapy...have you ever done either? Yes I have anxiety and I took voice lessons and I've been in theatre....you'd be suprised....it can really help and you can meet people through that medium too..but I don't know if this is at all an interest of yours. Theatrical people are usually very open to different kinds of personalities and lifestyles...you might give it a try? I know simply saying "Aw don't be depressed" tends to be a cop out most people use...or at least..t.hey don't seem to understand that it's not that easy to do...you can't just stop being depressed...you just need to keep climbing up that tree till you reach the top and can rest if you know what i mean...just take it branch by branch...eventually you will feel better.

I also agree with Chibi that you are NEVER too old to get your diploma or GED. Go for it! You are still very young! I have a friend who is 24...with a 3 year old who just got her GED....seriously you can do it

I really can't say much for the fear of car wrecks and bees and wasps...i have all of the above...to some degree at least. I had a car accident in niagara falls when I was there one year and the car literally spun completely around and i had a huge purple bruise on my chest that didn't go away for weeks...but i'm alive! Don't let yourself get too freaked out...i mean these things happen but the odds of anything serious happening to you I wouldn't think are huge. You just need to make sure you take a good drivers course. As for bees and wasps..I'm okay as long as they don't come too close....my big fears? Drowning, rape, losing the love of my life, SPIDERS (i know it seems so miniscule by comparison to the others doesn't it? lol)...It almost sounds like you have a bit of anxiety disorder yourself...even if you don't you might want to check out this website www.stresscenter.com I took their cognitive program and it helped me a LOT....even if you just buy a book by the owner of the company (Lucinda Bassett) I think it could really help.

All this being said if you need anything at all please feel free to private message me or Starvoyager.

[Dialga-Brite]

I agree that the internet is a good place to make true friends. There are many mean people on it, yes, but I don't have many friends in real life and the internet is comfort to me as there are many nice people there too. I too am a male that plays with dolls. I'm not gay actually, but I LOVE wearing dresses because they're so pretty! The internet is a place where I can find people that accept me. Also, have you ever heard of the indigo, crystal, and rainbow children? Most of them are kind people, and often outcasts. Sad isn't it, that kindness is in the minority. But, maybe you should look up info about indigos, etc and find out if you are one? I'm an indigo and I felt a big amount of happiness when I found it out.